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Hmm What To Do?!?!?!?!

Apr. 22nd, 2008 | 12:18 pm
location: Desk, shh
mood: nervousnervous
music: Country

So needless to say I didn't go and pick the horse in Kalkaska up, decided he wasn't worth the time or the money, but I ended up buying a special needs of sort case. His name is Chief and he is a 4 yr old Appaloosa gelding, who was starved and beaten, and also still cannot decide if he wants to be social or scared to death of everything. But he is coming around. And I cannot decided if his rescuer ruined him or just set him back a few hundred yards in training. He is absolutely terrified to canter! We can get two strides in and then he slams the brakes (which work rather well!) and shakes his head like I just slapped him upside it with a 2x4. But we are slowly working past it. its just going to take time to get past the baby-ness and the horror of what happened to him before I got him.

Now onto my seemingly favorite typing subject..........Tim. Obviously from the last blog you can see he is back in North Carolina, well he will actually be home in a little less than 3 days! UGH my nerves are killing me!!! But I have had at LEAST one drunk conversation per night with him and one sober one during the day and they vary from 5-10 minutes to an 1hr to 2 hrs, so I have had some sleepless nights, which is nothing new, but talking on the phone to several drunk marines during them is definitely new, but most definitely welcome!

Technically last night Tim didn't call me though, well at least not the first time, Katie, Jeremiahs fiancé called me and we talked for a little while (very nice person) and I guess there are several people and marines that would like to meet me not only that but they are making a trip up to Michigan just to visit. So that should be exciting. But the most interesting, nay scary part came later, Tim and I had been talking for well over an hour by this time so it was like 2:45 am and he was actually sobering up and he kept saying there was something he wanted to say and he wanted to wait till he was sober but he had been trying not to say it for 5 months ( for fear he would push me away) and he asked Katie and Jeremiah's opinion's which they told him he'd better tell me. So he was attempting to work up the gumption to tell me, which I had already figured it out by this time. Took me a little bit but I figured it out. I tried to tell him not to say it, I tried to tell him to wait and see if he still wanted to say it in the morning, but he decided to tell me anyways and then there it was the L bomb! I knew it was coming and I knew I wasn't ready to respond to it, nay again I knew I wanted to respond but shouldn't! But if you know me you know I responded! Which did seem to calm Tim's nerves though he said he was shaking like a leaf! So the big question is will Tim call today, because hmmmm surprise surprise the convo ended shortly after the bomb dropped.

So I am pretty confused about what to do, he is home in less than three days, I have waited over 7 months to see him, we have been each others constant source of support for those 7 months and have been in constant contact with each other throughout, whether it be e-mail, snail mail, or by phone, which usually ends up being a very long convo, but for the most part well worth it, even if he is drunk.

So basically the countdown has begun T minus 3 days and counting. And the current plan /strategy is run far and fast or is it now?????????????

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The Homecoming

Apr. 17th, 2008 | 09:38 am
location: Work shhhh.
mood: crazycrazy
music: Daughtry

So Tim is home now, he arrived in North Carolina around 3:30 and was back at Camp Lejuene around 6pm. Needless to say Ski already had a 24 pack awaiting his arrival with plenty of Captain Morgan as a chaser. So he was most definitely in good spirits when I talked with him. He called me around 7pm, already had 4 beers and was completely toasted! It was pretty funny he didn't realize who he had called and it was like a 45 second convo, I was at the gym and he was rambling and he managed to get out I am going to dinner have a good one and then hung up which was fine I knew he was drunk and I believe he thought he dialed James but whatever. He called me later that night around 9:30 and we talked or he drunk spoke a few mumbled sentences and managed to sober up a bit before the end of the conversation, but the genius ended up giving the phone to Ski so I ended up talking with him for a while and he seems like a decent enough guy. Tim was completely plastered and didn't really know much of anything that he was doing, so Ski cut him off and Tim got the bright idea to shave (drunk mind you) and I had the stupid idea to mention a video camera, so Ski grab Merkels video cam and started taping Tim drunk shaving and drinking a beer, he is one multi-tasking son of a gun! So all in all it was a funny convo and Tim has still not dropped the idea of buying me a plane ticket to fly down there and see him and not mention distract Jeremiahs Fiancé for a little while (I guess she is going stir crazy) But I haven't decided if I can actually make it or not, considering I just bought a new horse and he isn't exactly broke and needs many a mile before he is ready for Waterloo come the first weekend in May, but it should be interesting to say the least. Its a 4 hour drive one way to go and pick him up so Duece and I are headed on a road trip!! I think it is just going to be the two of us, which should be interesting considering I am not exactly thrilled about getting lost especially somewhere that I have no idea where I am. But if I get him on Saturday that gives me quite the window until Monday, lets just hope Taz likes the trailer!!

 

But going back to the Tim thing, he again brought up the needing to pick a place to go on a date, which should be very interesting considering its up to me and I have no idea of where to go or anything, but I have had 7 months to pick and he wants to do something more than just dinner, like a concert was the original plan but there are no concerts in our area during the time that he is home so it should be interesting to see what he comes up with. So its down to less than 9 days and he'll be home and I have to pick, gee talk about procrastinating I probably won't pick a place until the day before, or heck I may not even pick a place he may have to settle for his own decision which I am pretty sure will be staying in and watching a movie. But hey that works too!! So there is at least some sign of excitement for him being home and the nervousness has most definitely crept in there too as everything soon will come to face for real!!! Ugh.....

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(no subject)

Mar. 24th, 2008 | 10:06 am
mood: confusedconfused
music: Country

You know I have like the worst freaking luck when it comes to guys right?? Well apparently 2 people that I have a crush on have recently reappeared in my life, one very abruptly. I have always liked both of them, though I don't really trust either of them, but yet again do I really trust anyone anymore??? I find myself asking these questions. Okay so here is the low down.

The one guy is a friend of a ex-boyfriend of my sister, we met on the 4th of July a few years ago where he decided to get plastered and got into a scuffle with one of there other friends brothers. It was funny then it turned to a little over the top. Long story short he ended up cutting his head open and biting his tongue. So he was pretty banged up, well the lot of them ended up coming back to our house to sleep it off, and my sister and I picked on him the entire way home, and he ended up sleeping in the truck. So he and I kind of got into it a little bit, honestly I don't think he has ever had a girl give back what he dishes out so I think it was more or less a wake up call for him that, he wasn't messing with everyday average female. So it was quite funny, to see him get flustered. He is quite the funny guy, but I most definitely got the impression that he absolutely hated me and that we were going our separate ways and I think I gave him the vibe of where I thought he was an asshole, Which was not intended but oh well whatever. So a few times we had casually ran into each other and briefly talked, but nothing to any extreme. So we went on with our lives, well I was dragged along to BG Tractor Pulls better known as the Redneck Fest of OH. Which don't get me wrong was a great time, but My sister and her best friend got trashed and Megan (my sister) decided to do her 10ft tall and bulletproof act. And she tried to start a fight with a really angry and rather large drunk man. Not a good idea. Heidi ran interference and ran the body guard act. Which worked considering the mans friends were there to calm him down. Well when we vacated that particular area Heidi decided cliff diving sounded like fun, well okay not really she just walked off into a deep ditch and landed face first.... Not exactly good considering this ditch was taller than me and I couldn't get Heidi out of it to save my own skin! And so I decided I needed to take them home, but I apparently hadn't heard him mention that I was supposed to give him a ride home as well, its like 2:30 in the freaking morning and he calls me by this time I have already been on the road for a good hour now and there is no way in hell I was turning back, the convo pretty much went like this. "Where are you at Daisy? You were supposed to give me a ride home." "I am already on the road you never said anything to me about taking you home, otherwise I would have" "Well regardless now I am sleeping under a truck (it was raining that night) and I am cold and you didn't even come and say goodbye" well the convo went on and it was really actually quite nice to have someone compatible to talk to and he ended up helping to keep me awake as I was really really tired. And it was like we had been friends forever and he was just so easy to talk to and he joked around. But after that he sort of disappeared and he has since resurfaced in my life as he has talked with me briefly on face book. And he sent me a friend request of which I answered with a message Slept Under and trucks lately... It was meant as a funny joke which I think he gathered. And we went on to all sorts of subjects and he is really fun to talk to.... Now I realize I crush really really easy and I have had a crush on him since the 4th of July incident, and I just recently found out that my sister believes he may be crushing on me as well..... Which I find really interesting because as I said before I though he hated me, but apparently I must have been wrong, or I could be right and she could be horribly mistaken about the whole him crushing on me....... So I am wondering what to do about this situation as the other person I have been crushing on and have known for quite sometime has been in Iraq and we have been in constant contact and I have promised him one date, we have made plans and everything else but I have heard rumors about him and my best friend of whom I thought would support me no matter what absolutely despises him with a passion and has since forth stopped talking to me because of him and I think it will be the end of our friendship, I really do. But this friend and I have always had this cat and mouse thing going on and everyone thinks he is manipulative and what not, and I know him I know his quirks and I am quite honestly worried I may be getting in over my head. So I am thinking back out as quickly as possible, but I think I may have already crossed the line, he wants a relationship and he has been pushing for more than friendship for quite sometime, but I am anti- relationship as of right now and I have been since the ex-incident. So I am quite weary of men in general. But I have made a promise and that I will most definitely keep, seeming as how they mean quite a bit to me and I have since vowed to never break one and I have not yet. But it is just disheartening to know that I have two options, and both of them look promising but I have so many doubts in my head that are telling me to run away from both options, and also that neither situation will end good. I just don't know what to do in general, it seems like every time something good comes up in my life I manage to screw it up.

So here is the other part of the story, I have been in constant contact with the one person and it seems as though he is backpedaling now and I don't know if he wants out of the whole deal or not because one minute he will be fine with the plans we have made and then I recently got a letter from him that sounded like he was a whipped dog running scared with his tail between his legs. So I don't know what to think and then I looked at my messages on Monday and I had gotten a message from the other guy about what I was doing on Sat. Now I don't have internet at my house so I wasn't able to get the message until Monday, so I told him sorry its a little late but on the weekends it was better to just call. So I don't know if I will hear from him or not, as I doubt he will I think this is just a being friendly thing, seeming as he found out about the ex-incident and I told him I no longer trust men in any way shape or form and he is one of those good guys that tries to shed the brightest light on the darkest situation, but I doubt he will call I think if anything I am a casual curiosity from his break up and maybe a rebound hang out person. But I don't know what to do about either situation as everything with the one person comes to face in less than 30 some odd days. So its like crunch time for decision making and everything from the opposing side has just now come up after a few years! UGH this really suck I am in a moral dilemma and I have no way out or no way of knowing which decision is the right decision for either situation so I am quite seriously considering running, its what I am good at and its all I know, and besides it has always been the safer bet!

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(no subject)

Mar. 17th, 2008 | 10:11 am
mood: confusedconfused
music: Hard Rock!

So Tim comes home in less than 40 days, its exciting but in the same time that means everything has to come to face. He wants and has wanted more than just a friendship and I did promise him one date. So I will keep my promise. But as I always have said I don't know if I ma ready for a full on relationship and I am not sure I will ever be ready for one again considering the bad taste my last one left in my mouth. But whatever.

Tim and I have always played this Cat and mouse game and he is the first one that has ever treated me truly great, and that's just as a friend. We have had our bouts but what two people don't?? Its that old kindergarten tell tale, you pick on the one you like. We have always been able to pick at each other and make the most out of any conversation. And unfortunately that is the way our relationship has always been, it has always been a phone conversation. Or long distance if you will. We would talk and spend time with each other at fair and that was it. We never saw each other really. We caught up when we did but we never spent a lot of "quality" time together so I don't know if this is going to work. Yeah we know pretty much everything about each other. He knows my secrets and I know his. And we can talk about anything. But we haven't seen each other in over seven months. And the last time we hung out it was just a group of friends so, we'll see what happens. He has these big plans and I don't know if I am ready for anything like that. I do really really like him and I have convinced myself that anything I get close to that is human and I start to care for them and find myself thinking I may love them, I usually screw it up somehow and it ends up the same way every time with me getting hurt in the end. And honestly I can't take getting hurt again. My heart has been shattered too many times and I just don't know if I can go through that again. Its not worth it for me to try something I already know is going to fail.

The biggest thing on my mind now is how do I tell him?

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(no subject)

Feb. 18th, 2008 | 09:53 am
mood: curiouscurious
music: Country

So umm Valentines day has never been a good day for me I have either been alone or when I was with someone they either forgot or didn't care, so it was never a holiday for me it was just another Hallmark Holiday, or a reason to send a card to someone. Though I have been know to give gifts for Valentines day I have never been on the receiving end. That was until this year.

I have this friend, whom I have felt is more than a friend for a long time. Though I will never tell him that. And I never had. I have liked him since we were kids, again I will never tell him that. And he is in the Marine Corps in Iraq right now and has been there for quite sometime. He and I have just now gotten back to speaking to each other recently. Long story short we were screwed over by two friends one being his girlfriend at the time, the other being my supposed best friend, they told us the other never wanted to speak to us so we being the people we are respected the others supposed position and didn't talk for 2-3 yrs. Bad choice and when we finally started speaking again we realized what we had missed and decided we didn't want to miss out on anymore and quickly rekindled the friendship. Which is by far one of the best friendships. And with him being in Iraq it has been hard to talk to each other, so we are constant pen pals through e-mail, snail mail, and we talk on the phone whenever we can. He and I have become rather close. And before he went to Iraq in one drunken phone call he asked me if I would have dated him back then, and me being the stupid idiot and not thinking immediately said yes with no explanation. I just froze up after that. He and I continued the conversation and it was shocking to find out everything we had missed out on and what not. We on to our relationship statuses and talked more. Now if you know me then you know my current status on relationships. I do not ever want another one again, and I had no intention of ever dating again, since my last couple experiences have not been so good. And he wants a relationship with me, granted he has put up some very good points and arguments about it and he has a very solid view. And I find myself wanting a relationship with him. And I have wanted a relationship with him for a very long time, but I just don't' know what to do. He is a great guy and the separations between the years we didn't talk and now the constant convo and him being overseas is just a lot to deal with. He's over there and I'm over here and we have just really gotten to know each other a lot better, there isn't the constant pressure. He is a great guy and I find myself really liking him and I want nothing to do with screwing it up a second time. We have talked about everything and anything. And the topic always comes back to wanting more than a friendship and I just don't know if I can go through that again, though he maintains we will stay friends no matter what. Obviously we have been through a lot with just our friendship and we are now closer than ever, it seems the more people tried to tear us apart the closer we stick together. Since the not talking for 2-3 yrs I am still friends with the same person that attempted to tear us apart and I am cautious what I say around him because he is very unnapproving of me having any contact with him. He hates the thought of me dating anyone else especially him. I can just see his gears grinding every time I mention his name. And I just wish there was an easier decision!!!

 

Going back to Valentines day. I had talked with him on Sunday before V-Day and he said he was going to call me on Thursday, at that point I didn't know what Thursday was but I said Why, he said just to hear you say Shut up. I was like okay, and then he said your going to be getting a package from me and just give me credit I picked everything out myself. So give me credit for that. I said alright I think I can manage that. So V-Day rolls around he called me twice and left me 2 very nice messages and then he called me at 11:58 and wished me a happy valentines day and we talked for about 1/2 hour about everything in general. We can talk about the stupidest things and laugh and argue, etc, and its just a good time. But no package he was getting a little ticked about it so I just thought it would be late. Well low and behold they had put it on our front porch, we never use our front porch, the only thing we use it for is putting the dogs out on. Well the UPS guy dropped it off on the front porch on a freezing cold day and we didn't find it until Sat!!! It was a beautiful arrangement of Roses and Cala Lilies with a gorgeous Mosaic red vase. I was so shocked at the gesture and the card...But they were frozen and dead. I felt so bad, they had most likely been out there since Thursday and he had taken the time to pick them out and send them etc. While being overseas, it was just too cool to think someone had done that for me. And they were dead all because some stupid delivery service had a million other deliveries and didn't want to take them in his truck with him. How thick can you get they say fresh on them and flowers all over the box, who would leave something like that outside in the freezing cold?!?!?!?!? And to beat all you can plainly see on a snow covered porch their were no foot prints only paw prints, it should look like we don't use that porch! I was disgusted by it. But the gesture was enough for me to think otherwise. Although it has wavered my stand point very little I still don't know what to do!!!!

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